For the longest time, from almost day one at this school, it seemed that I was the only one who care about me. — Hannah Baker

Thirteen Reasons Why

Jay Asher

漢娜的遺言

Though Hannah’s tapes and Clay’s monolog, we can know what others had done to Hannah and what kinds of Hannah in their eyes. But how about Hannah herself? Did she consider herself so bad as well? And from her viewpoint, how she looked about leaving the world?

How about Hannah thought of herself?

Will I ever get control of my life? Will I always be shoved back and pushed around by those I trust?

By being betrayed every time when she thought she could trust friendship one more time, and bearing those rumors again and again, she had started to call herself to question that was she deserved to control her own life. Hannah was tired to live in the world, so she seemed like want to give up herself and stop motivating to keep going.

I needed a change, just like them said, so I changed my appearance. The only thing I still had control over.

Hannah thought the solution of help her get off sinking in those negative rumors was to change her appearance. Sometimes, a change in appearance really can brought a person a new life. However, why Hannah chose to change her appearance was that all her reputation and personalities were all decided by those rumors, in a passive thought, she consider only her appearance can be controlled by herself as she can not even control her life.

At the end of class, Mrs. Bradley passed out a flyer called The Warning Signs of a Suicidal Individual. Guess what was right up there in the top five?

“A sudden change in appearance.”

I tugged on the ends of my newly cropped hair. Huh. Who knew I was so predictable?

When I read this part, seemed like I could feel a release of assurance to leave the world of Hannah. Ironically, a change to appearance to Hannah was that she wanted to have a new life but actually in this book she was classified to suicidal individual. What a ridiculous situation. And she also teased herself of being so predictable that she never observed but had done actually what a person decided to kill himself of herself. In this moment, Hannah judged herself should not exist in the world.

What’s that? You don’t believe me? You’re shocked? Guess what …… I don’t care. The last time I cared what anyone thought about me was that night. And that was the last night.

Like counting down the time to leave the world, Hannah said everything and declared that she had not cared anything because she made decision to not live in the world any more. Whereas there perhaps be a second that Hannah suspect herself was really a bad girl everyone said. And the second was too essential and cause her commit suicide firmly.

Hannah left us because those people who hurt her unintentionally and took her forgiving for granted; she left the world because she gave up herself those chances to search helps. Around us there are still many teenagers suffering those treatments, we might sometimes become a person who add scar in their hearts without cares. However, we might also have a chance to gain those rumors. The level of enduring negative rumors to different people was different.

All we could do was treat everyone sincerely by our true hearts, and we could ask for help to parents, teachers or someone you trust. While there was unfortunate to Hannah that her counseling teacher did not give her suggestion that she really needed, so she gave up to the hope of living. Consequently, when we face upsets, don’t forget to find more means that can aid us step out of the passive cycle. Relationship between people and people is always so difficult that everyone is still learning. Wish all people in the world can have a hope to be alive that there are so many wonderful things wait us to find.